Twenty-three years ago I gave up alcohol and drugs and I have often said that the pain of the process is what has kept me from relapse all these years. I simply never wanted to feel that way ever again. There was no detox, treatment or therapy in my early recovery, only AA and the support and love of strangers.
A recent abnormal EKG led to a two day stay in the hospital complete with all the various cardio-pulmonary tests. It was here that I had to confront my last demon addiction–smoking.
Without a doubt this is the most difficult addiction to kick.
I had always said that in order to quit smoking I would have to be put in a restricted environment; away from people. Since there is no smoking in hospitals these days I told the nurse in the emergency room that I was a heavy smoker and that I would be experiencing acute withdrawal within a few hours. She put me on the patch immediately. I was essentially in a restricted environment for the first forty-eight hours. Even though I got a clean bill of health I felt that the hospital stay had jump-started my recovery from smoking. I don’t know when I’ll get another opportunity like this so what the hell I might as well try one more day.
I started smoking in the days when you could put a quarter in a cigarette machine and get a pack of Lucky Strike with two pennies change under the cellophane wrapper. A heavy non-filter smoker for all these years I was amazed to find out that my lungs were clear and that the abnormal EKG was simply an electrical problem in my heart probably caused by early age drug use. But as often happens change occurs when the flame gets high enough under my butt. There is nothing like a week of contemplating your own mortality to turn up the flame.
So it is all coming back to me. All the confusion, anxiety, irritability, anger and the roller coaster ride of those first days weeks and months of my first year in the program. The difference is that I have the experience of long term sobriety to rely on and I know that after enough time passes these feeling too will pass. One of the best things that I have heard over the last two weeks is that the craving will go away whether I smoke or do not smoke. This has kept me on the not smoking side of the equation and the craving does go away.
Thanks to the patch, sunflower seeds, Altoids, Planter’s hot peanuts, cough drops, pretzel sticks, toothpicks and the love and patience of my friends and family I have survived one month without a cigarette. I have done this with the help of a good doctor and the encouragement of everyone who is close to me. Most importantly I have been able to apply the “one day, one hour and sometimes one minute at a time” philosophy that I learned in my program.
At this holiday season it will be good to realize that with God’s help, if I am still successful, I will have given myself another wonderful gift. The only problem that I can envision is that if I keep eating like I have been I’ll be able to play Santa Claus without the customary pillow under my shirt.
Happy Holidays and may the peace and joy of the season be with you and your loved ones.