Early in my recovery I was very restless and judgmental. I had a hard time sitting still and I had very little tolerance for others in my home group. There were times when at discussion meetings I would cringe when a certain member of our group began to share. He spoke in a monotone and always gave a very lengthy soliloquy full of AA expressions and slogans. Every week he said basically the same thing and I could not stand to hear his voice.

The meeting was a twelve step study and discussion meeting and was held in an old New England church. I began to anticipate when Joe was going to speak since we went around the table to share. I would get up and leave the room right before he spoke as if I were going to the bathroom. I would then go outside in front of the church and smoke a cigarette. From the outside I could see through the window into the room where the meeting was held. I would go back in after Joe shared.

I did this for several weeks in a row. My sponsor also attended the meeting and it did not take him long to figure out my actions. After the meeting one night he confronted me. He asked me point blank if I was leaving the meeting because I didn’t want to listen to Joe. I told him that I could not stand it when Joe shared. That his sharing made me crazy and that I had to get out of the room.

It was then that,  once again,  my sponsor taught me some things that I have never forgotten. He told me that Joe may be the only person between me and a drink some day. He said that it was important for me to listen to the message and not the messenger and that some day my life might depend upon it. He also said that Joe was in my life for a reason and that it was to teach me patience, tolerance, love and understanding. My sponsor said that the way I could grow in this area was to stay in my seat and listen when Joe shared.

I did not understand how Joe could be the only one between me and a drink and my sponsor explained it this way.  How often, he asked,  have you heard the story of someone who was about to pick up a drink when miraculously  an AA member appeared on the scene? What if that AA member  was Joe and you disregarded his help? You would get drunk and could die.

As for the message and not the messenger,  how many times have you heard great AA messages from people who chronically relapse, have little time in the program, or who conduct themselves less than honorably outside the rooms?  To disregard them is to disrespect the message and the message can save your life.

“PTLU” is my way of saying patience, tolerance, love and understanding. I say these letters like a mantra when I am having a hard time listening to someone share. If I remember my responsibility to my own program I can see my discomfort as an opportunity to grow.

By utilizing these lessons from my sponsor I have gone from someone who could not sit still during meetings,  whose mind raced,  and who had trouble concentrating,  to one who can sit and listen. By  doing this I am able to take something away from each meeting to add to my arsenal of defense against the next drink. To not do so could leave me.